Memorable Quotes IV: Dimensional Anomaly

 

It’s easy enough to be pleasant,

As life hums along like a song.

But the man worth while,

is the man who can smile,

While everything else goes dead wrong.

Suppression

 

I know I’ve said it multiple times now, but I simply am living a much easier, simpler, and quieter life than I was several months ago. Yet I somehow cannot help to feel like a boiler, with bolts snapping off in succession as my emotional steam attempts to release the several magnitudes of pressure built over the years.  Now that things are easy there is the opportunity for the pressure to release itself.  My suppressed emotions want to come out all at once, rather than the slow and steady tap required by my mental stability.

It is extremely frustrating.  Not just to me, but to everyone around me.  When my tap does start to overflow my actions broadcast my emotion more annoyingly than the fire alarms at school.  People intrinsically recognize the change—and their behavior towards me changes.  It becomes slightly guarded, less open and engaging.  The quality of my relationships degrade, stalling my social development.

Suppressing emotions is a complicated thing to do.  It results in immediate gain, but the delayed results are sometimes not worth the instantaneous avoidance.  Suppressed emotions are hard not to obsess over, and obsessive emotions have a tendency to become the status quo.  They become a new barrier constructed in the way of yourself, and can even lead to temporary insanity if that layer becomes too thick—or the boiler explodes.

Removing layers of emotion can take months or years of work.  If those suppressed emotions come out simultaneously, and cause you so much additional pain built up over the time of their existence, are they really worth the trouble you went through in the first place?  It is a complicated question that can only be answered by the factors present at the moment of the choice.  There are internal moral, social, and personal obligations in addition to all of the external factors that the immediate situation enforces upon you.

So what am I suppressing?  Not as much as I used to… not nearly.  I have been opening myself up more to my friends and family, and I have created this blog to share my ideas and problems.  Yet there are still words I cannot utter under the laws of social behavior.  While many of these are superfluous and unnecessary—they are wishes I would enjoy seeing fulfilled.

I long for the day when I have full freedom of expression: when I can say exactly how I feel, do what I wish and not be scorned for it.  People who act out so freely are usually labeled as being insane, unconnected to societal needs and their restrictive social standards.  There is no reason for us to have such a restrictive system.  There is no reason to hold back when pain is the likely outcome.

…But Don’t Forget

 

It is easy to forgive—so easy, in fact, that most people do it poorly.  People throw the word sorry around like dimes, some do not care to attach value to the word and say it flatly, emotionless—inexplicably placid in admission.  Through their lackadaisical forgiveness they deface and devalue their integrity by destroying the cause and disconnecting the argument from the standing reality: you wronged.

Worse are those who take those apologies willingly.  Those people hold no value in their argument either, and again destroy their integrity when they feel victory instead of mutual understanding.  Arguments of such nature are not competitions: they are not coupons to be won for later redemption.

Forgiveness is sacred.  It must be done by the self; it cannot be influenced or brought upon by another.  It is a form of sacrifice, the request of which causes dishonesty on a subconscious level.  In order to forgive you must do so without prompt and with reinforcement.  The phrase “I’m sorry” is meaningless when compared to “I’m sorry for…”

This cliché argument is centuries old, yet the masses still ignore it and act selflessly.  One must own the right to be sorry, the apology must be selfish.  You must want to right your wrong.  You must feel destroyed without the opportunity to truly do so.

If you are the one who is wronged, you are almost powerless in the efforts to spark apology.  Yet you must be strong and stand vigilant.  You must not be selfless and accept an empty apology so that you and your friend can ignore the reality of the situation.  Confrontation grants us strength. 

For the most important of issues there is one thing that you can do proactively, yet it is even more difficult than battling integrity.  Doing so is the ultimate sacrifice, done for the most selfish of reasons:  you can resent.  You can feel angered.  It is a tricky, volatile, and difficult path to take.  However it is always the quickest to a solution.

Just be certain you can handle the fallout of your decision.

Memorable Quotes III: Seven Pillars of Wisdom

“All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible.”

— Thomas Edward Lawrence, The Lawrence of Arabia

Someone Who…

 

We always want to be the best of something.  We always want to have the best of something.  It is a great goal: it has powered the American dream, brought great technological achievements, and led to countless discoveries in the arts and sciences.  However what is “best” isn’t always perfectly defined.

When we use the term “best friend” it can mean a number of things. Most people would likely agree that a “best friend” is someone who you get along with better than most and thoroughly enjoy.  Beyond that, the definition becomes more mixed and based upon personal needs and wants.  For some individuals a best friend is someone who they can get along with flawlessly—someone who takes no energy away from them or the situation that they are in, only adds to it.  For others it’s a person who always listens and has quality advice and input.  It can be a foil, someone who you have arguments with, yet both always come out ahead because of them.  It can also be an enabler, someone who you feel comfortable being outgoing with.

What you define your best friend as says something very important about yourself—for many it is an embodiment of the fulfillment of their needs.  It has been said that a person can be defined by those he surrounds himself with.  It is because the values that you hold dear are expressed by your friends.

It used to bother me that the person I defined as my best friend wouldn’t share that definition with me.  However I realized that is what makes him my best friend.  He and I are complete opposites, he is my foil.  His best friend is the flawless type—someone easy to be with, someone who he never argues with.  He has enough adversity in his life, and he isn’t necessarily looking for more (though he certainly welcomes it with open arms, but that is besides the point).  I bring drama into his life, drama that builds both of us.  Is the conflict unwanted?  Only in excess, there have been times when we have both been fed up with each other, but those times are far between and fleeting.

A best friend is what you make it.  That individual identity can be anything: it is nothing more than a useless label that holds sentimental value deep within our hearts.  The value is placed upon the words by society, not the meaning or object itself.  Even though I haven’t discussed this article with my best friend, I would think that he would have to agree with it—grudgingly.  However I know that it will bring as big of a grin to his face as it did mine.

The Problem with Doing Anything On the Internet is that Some People Just Don’t Know How To Behave Out Here: I

I played polo with you, I wonder if you'll delete this, or if you know who this is... said...

This post is such bull, Kyle. I bet you wrote this just to spite this person because that's just the kind of person you are. The only reason you would write this is because you WANT this person to read it, and yet you "doubt he frequents [your] blog" - bullshit. You are literally the most self-centered person I have ever met! You think you are the only person with problems!? What about your brother, huh?? I bet he got the way he did because of you. I'd like to see you write a post about him, but I bet you can't do it without being a ****! Why? Because you 'seem' to care about this person, yet you treat him like ****! Heck, you probably don't give a **** about your brother... you gave him hell in the locker room and that was public, I can only imagine how you treated him at home

I knew I’d get heckled sooner or later, and this is the first.  Out of respect of the author, the dignity of the site, and my personal integrity I had to pull the quote above off of His Developmental Step.  I have reposted it here in full, with the exception of three omitted words.

First of all, I want to let my readers know that I take their comments very seriously, positive or negative.  However I hold my friends’ privacy to the upmost priority and therefore will not be able to reply too much to this comment.  My friend, who I wrote about in His Developmental Step, knew of the article before its posting.  I specifically asked him if he would be okay with me writing an article about him, and then I offered him the opportunity to review and edit the article as he saw fit.  He declined the offer, and I put the post up without his input.  I have extended similar offers to all my friends who have been directly mentioned in my blog.

If you think that I am writing the article strictly for myself, in order to manipulate a friend, you are wrong and missing the point of the article.  The goal of the article fits well within the purview of this site.  While the article is not addressed specifically at him, it is addressed to someone who is going through a similar situation.

That time within your life can be very difficult, dark, and challenging.  I wrote this article as a beacon, to be a hope at the end of the tunnel for those who are suffering and in pain.  It is hard to identify yourself when your identity is what you are in turmoil over.  It is just as difficult to watch a friend go through this process.

Yes, I wrote this article partially for myself.  This blog has replaced my personal daily journal—what would have been one of my entries can become my best article due to the emotional attachment that I’m able to convey through my language.  This blog is certainly not selfless, nor does it pretend to be.

As for my brother—it is true.  I was not as nice to him as I could have been back in high school.  We were certainly brothers of war then.  In constant battle trying to outperform one another out of some stupid brotherly contest you only care for as a child.

However since then our friendship has developed and changed.  Since the introduction of college, my brother and I have grown up.  We both have realized how much we do care for one another, and we certainly no longer fight as we once did.

Now I’ll speak to you directly author.  No, I have no idea who you are- however I don’t think you’re someone who I played polo with.  They were better friends with me than this.  If you wish to discuss this in a less anonymous and public matter, I will be more than willing to do so. 

Kreia Would be Proud

 

"And what is it you think you have accomplished? If you seek to aid everyone that suffers in the galaxy, you will only weaken yourself … and weaken them. It is the internal struggles, when fought and won on their own, that yield the strongest rewards. You stole that struggle from them, cheapened it. If you care for others, then dispense with pity and sacrifice and recognize the value in letting them fight their own battles. And when they triumph, they will be even stronger for the victory."

―Kreia

I’ve said before that I often find myself overinvested in a lot of my friendships.  As a result I often want more from my friends than they are willing to give.  This repetition has led to common arguments amongst my friends, and the continued practice has led me to become quite convincing (or so I would like to think).  However, 5% of the time I find myself on the opposite side of the fence—as the one underinvested.  I’m honestly not exactly sure what to make of these situations.

First of all I try to learn by observing my own emotions when in that state.  I turn my thoughts inward as I listen and hear the words being spoken to me, and listen to my internal voice.  The first overwhelming response that I feel is pity.  Pity, for knowing the situation that they are in, for understanding completely the amount of strain and ache that they are going through.  However this is a response due to my personal experiences, and isn’t likely to come from many of my friends, especially those who claim that they “have never had a friend like me”.

As I peel away the emotion of pity I become angered.  I feel like I’m wasting my time, and that this individual talking to me is not worthy of it.  I feel like I should be rude, should kick him out, should close this avenue of communication for good—however I do not act.  I can feel something deeper holding me back and begin to feel exposed.  I recognize this reaction for the defense mechanism that it is and tear it down.  I immediately uncover another layer of pity and these two recursive emotions repeat themselves for several cycles.  Usually the conversation ends before I can get to the center of this emotional Tootsie-pop.

It becomes a curiosity that I must satisfy, so I let the conversation return to me.  However no matter how many times I do, I cannot fulfill my curiosity.  So I attempt another approach.  I listen to my speaker more intently, and observe my emotional reactions to his words—not my undertones that run the conversation.  I realize that some of his words come across as pleas while others come across confused—as if his mouth is at the control of another being.  I recognize that he doesn’t understand what he wants, or why he is here, because he is not being honest with himself—not me.

And I begin to doubt myself.  I begin to wonder who I am to judge, who I am to refuse help.  I begin to feel gratitude towards my friend for investing in me and return the investment.  My friend finds himself satisfied, happy to see the return, and begins to expect future returns and so continues his conversation in full.

And I realize how ghastly of a mistake I have made.  I have donated (rather than invested) my time and effort.  Doing so, I have performed an action worse than indifference.  I have made my friend weaker.  They say that if you feed a man a fish he’s full for a day, but if you teach a man to fish he’s full for life.  However, if you feed a man a fish for long enough that it becomes expected, and then stop...

I cannot apologize to my friend for my action.  However I know that I am just as bad as a loan shark—fulfilling a need now by creating a greater one later.  The action, though sadistic if performed purposefully, does have its uses.  It provides me with the opportunity to grow and develop myself, at the cost of another’s psyche.  Is it wrong of me to have performed such an act?  I felt compelled to do so—out of my friend’s interests, even though I knew it was wrong.  Is it better to satisfy man’s immediate needs if they destroy his potential?

Memorable Quotes II: WED

"Our heritage and ideals, our codes and standards - the things we live by and teach our children - are preserved or diminished by how freely we exchange ideas and feelings."

-Walt Disney

Sacrifices

 

Life is an assemblage of sacrifices.  We make sacrifices throughout our lives in order to get through the days that we live.  So that we can feel as if we have some part of soul left within us.  We sacrifice time to studying and work, energy to working out and traveling.  We move away from places that we are comfortable as a sacrifice to become more accessible.  The list can go on and on.

There are many different types of sacrifices, even when it comes to the realm of relationships.  However most sacrifices that we as individuals make for others are self defeating and without purpose.  They are planned sacrifices with prior knowledge of the coming sacrifice from both parties.  Like coming over, going out, having a conversation over the phone.  The predetermination of the sacrifice causes it to lose it’s purpose, and to become part of the daily monotony and routine.  Eventually they become expectations, and then the sacrifice no longer has value and must be topped.

True sacrifice occurs sporadically.  It cannot be asked for, planned, or granted.  It must come naturally—you must feel the moment, and know that within you that the sacrifice itself is powerful.  It must be blind to truth and injustice, flexible so that it won’t break under the strain of stress, and grand enough to entice the same amount of emotion in your cohort as yourself.

Sacrifice is an important part of any relationship.  It shows care, thoughtfulness, integrity, and commitment.  A little motion such as a simple hug, or spontaneous visit can take someone’s melancholy day and make it memorable.  People want to know that they are cared for.  Asking the question inhibits the response, the only way to prove that you care for someone is by voluntarily showing them so through action.

In summary, in order to properly make an impression you must (1) be spontaneous and voluntary in your action, without pre prerequisite or request and (2) have uniqueness to your action, so that it is not expected or part of life’s routine.

Try it out, with little effort you can make a positive impact on someone’s life today.

Happy Birthday DCA

Wish I was there

His Developmental Step

 

I have a friend who resents me.  He wants me and everything that I represent to burn in hell.

We became friends out of necessity.  I needed someone to enrich my life, to remind me of what I was and what I stood for.  I also need someone to provide for the needs of the flesh, and he was ready and willing.  He needed comfort, a shoulder, advice, guidance, and to experiment with his sexuality.  I’ve actually written several articles in this blog about him, or for him because his development over this past semester has been an echo of my own.  However I doubt that he frequents my blog.

We were more than friends.  We would engage in discussion, I would give advice of the most selfless of nature—keeping his interests above mine.  And then, if time and energy permitted, we would engage each other physically and emotionally.  There was no spoken commitment, the relationship was kept a secret, and the romance lasted for several months.

But it became unnecessary.  Our discussions came less naturally, they were forced and devoid of their depth.  He had moved past my advice, past the carnal needs that our relationship was founded upon.  There was no emotional bond between us, his loss of  ignorance had broken it, and now he only wants back his normal life.

He has recognized the difficulty that the life of the sexually deviant contains.  He wants to protect himself from it and avoid the excessive and superfluous confrontation it brings.  He wants to live a rich life full of family, children, a white picket fence, and everything else in between.

The problem  is that inside, deep down inside, he knows what he is.  And to him I am the icon that symbolizes all that he doesn’t want to be.  He resents homosexuality, he views it as an unnatural calling, he wants to be better than it, above it.  He wants control, he wants normality, he wants peace of mind.

But that’s not how the world works.  Despite what you may have heard about the subject, it is not a choice.  It is something forced upon you unwillingly.  No one would wish homosexuality upon himself, there is too much ridicule and intolerance in today’s society.  It is not nearly as hard as it was years ago, however it is still extremely difficult to deal with.

He will never break free from homosexuality, he is who he is, and he needs to accept himself, and to be proud of his differences, not ashamed.  Just like I did, he’ll get past it. Hopefully I’ll still be able to be there for him when he does.

Editorial IV: Just a Quick Update for Everyone

 

So here we are about 3 months in and we’re just shy of 1000 hits on the site.  Currently we are averaging just over 20 readers a day with the number increasing dramatically.  As the Facebook page gets more readership, we get more hits and the word spreads each day.  Currently our top day had 49 hints, with 8 in a ten minute period.  The most read article is Friendly Dependency, with 36 hits total (this of course doesn’t count main page hits).

We’re still in beta, and I have a cool new skin for the site that I want to upload, but I’ve been having some trouble figuring out how to code it in.  Hopefully I can find someone willing to help me with this, it might be a task too grand for me.

Welcome new readers, updates are every Tuesday and Thursday with the occasional additional Saturday post.  Oh and by the way, I LOVE great comments, so if you have something interesting to say be sure to say or ask be sure to do so!

We’re still moving through beta, almost at the final release!

Playing the Stock Market

 

There are many analogies that are used for friendships.  My personal favorite is banking.  We are all investors: each one of us has a finite amount of capital that we are willing to spend throughout our lives.  Daily activities such as eating, hanging out with friends, and homework are all stocks that we invest in.  These stocks all pay out a unique type of dividend.  Invest too much in eating and you’ll gain weight, too little and you’ll grow skinny.  Invest too much in work and you’ll gain stress, too little and you’ll drop in performance.

With relationships the lines get more muddled.  A comparative investment system exists where you invest so much in your friendship along with your partner.  If you have invested equally, then there is a balance and happiness is achieved.  If one person invests too little, or too much—well then you’re both eventually going to get hurt.

I often find myself overinvested in relationships.  I always have more time and energy that I want to spend with my friends than my friends, me.  I am willing to get very close to my friends, and they often open up to me on a deeper more intimate level.  The problem though is that I am a “package deal”, you can’t get my advice when you want it and need it without the rest.  If you want me to be a part of your life you have to have all of me.  You need to spend a minimal amount of time, put in a minimal amount of effort, and listen and be concerned for a desired minimum as well.  As a result, you’ll get everything that comes in the package: friendship, advice, understanding, integrity, and commitment.  I think I offer a good deal, problem is it’s a big package, and a lot of people aren’t ready and willing to join without a lengthy trial period.

I don’t like trial periods.  They hurt.  They require me to treat everything as normal and fulfill their needs while ignoring my own.  Why is it that I am the one always being tried out, why can’t I be the one trying them out?  Why do people trust me so much less than I am willing to trust them?  It is a system I am personally sick of.  It makes me feel used and later, abandoned.  It has effected my long term self confidence, diminishing it with each failed trial.

As a result I often use defense mechanisms to protect myself.  The simplest and most frequent being the ultimatum.  I put time constraints on my friends; reasonably excessive from my point of view, but too immediate in theirs.  Ultimatums never work, and I end up hurting myself even more.

I hate these destructive friendships that I am in.  And I currently find myself in a plethora of them.  However, I am not ready to tear apart my social structure after such a recent heavy restructure.  It is too painful, too difficult, and something that I need to do when I graduate from school soon enough, anyway.

So I press on.  Painfully accepting my personal defeat, suffering under the social pressures that I hold myself to unwittingly.  Just so that I simply don’t look bad in the social scene.

What hurts the most, is how unoften and infrequent my pain is noticed by those who think they are closest to me.  And how little they view themselves responsible for the tidal wave of emotions that they bring crushing relentlessly upon the rocky shores of my resolve.