Suppression

 

I know I’ve said it multiple times now, but I simply am living a much easier, simpler, and quieter life than I was several months ago. Yet I somehow cannot help to feel like a boiler, with bolts snapping off in succession as my emotional steam attempts to release the several magnitudes of pressure built over the years.  Now that things are easy there is the opportunity for the pressure to release itself.  My suppressed emotions want to come out all at once, rather than the slow and steady tap required by my mental stability.

It is extremely frustrating.  Not just to me, but to everyone around me.  When my tap does start to overflow my actions broadcast my emotion more annoyingly than the fire alarms at school.  People intrinsically recognize the change—and their behavior towards me changes.  It becomes slightly guarded, less open and engaging.  The quality of my relationships degrade, stalling my social development.

Suppressing emotions is a complicated thing to do.  It results in immediate gain, but the delayed results are sometimes not worth the instantaneous avoidance.  Suppressed emotions are hard not to obsess over, and obsessive emotions have a tendency to become the status quo.  They become a new barrier constructed in the way of yourself, and can even lead to temporary insanity if that layer becomes too thick—or the boiler explodes.

Removing layers of emotion can take months or years of work.  If those suppressed emotions come out simultaneously, and cause you so much additional pain built up over the time of their existence, are they really worth the trouble you went through in the first place?  It is a complicated question that can only be answered by the factors present at the moment of the choice.  There are internal moral, social, and personal obligations in addition to all of the external factors that the immediate situation enforces upon you.

So what am I suppressing?  Not as much as I used to… not nearly.  I have been opening myself up more to my friends and family, and I have created this blog to share my ideas and problems.  Yet there are still words I cannot utter under the laws of social behavior.  While many of these are superfluous and unnecessary—they are wishes I would enjoy seeing fulfilled.

I long for the day when I have full freedom of expression: when I can say exactly how I feel, do what I wish and not be scorned for it.  People who act out so freely are usually labeled as being insane, unconnected to societal needs and their restrictive social standards.  There is no reason for us to have such a restrictive system.  There is no reason to hold back when pain is the likely outcome.