His Developmental Step

 

I have a friend who resents me.  He wants me and everything that I represent to burn in hell.

We became friends out of necessity.  I needed someone to enrich my life, to remind me of what I was and what I stood for.  I also need someone to provide for the needs of the flesh, and he was ready and willing.  He needed comfort, a shoulder, advice, guidance, and to experiment with his sexuality.  I’ve actually written several articles in this blog about him, or for him because his development over this past semester has been an echo of my own.  However I doubt that he frequents my blog.

We were more than friends.  We would engage in discussion, I would give advice of the most selfless of nature—keeping his interests above mine.  And then, if time and energy permitted, we would engage each other physically and emotionally.  There was no spoken commitment, the relationship was kept a secret, and the romance lasted for several months.

But it became unnecessary.  Our discussions came less naturally, they were forced and devoid of their depth.  He had moved past my advice, past the carnal needs that our relationship was founded upon.  There was no emotional bond between us, his loss of  ignorance had broken it, and now he only wants back his normal life.

He has recognized the difficulty that the life of the sexually deviant contains.  He wants to protect himself from it and avoid the excessive and superfluous confrontation it brings.  He wants to live a rich life full of family, children, a white picket fence, and everything else in between.

The problem  is that inside, deep down inside, he knows what he is.  And to him I am the icon that symbolizes all that he doesn’t want to be.  He resents homosexuality, he views it as an unnatural calling, he wants to be better than it, above it.  He wants control, he wants normality, he wants peace of mind.

But that’s not how the world works.  Despite what you may have heard about the subject, it is not a choice.  It is something forced upon you unwillingly.  No one would wish homosexuality upon himself, there is too much ridicule and intolerance in today’s society.  It is not nearly as hard as it was years ago, however it is still extremely difficult to deal with.

He will never break free from homosexuality, he is who he is, and he needs to accept himself, and to be proud of his differences, not ashamed.  Just like I did, he’ll get past it. Hopefully I’ll still be able to be there for him when he does.