That new Road

The biggest problem of the addiction is the fear of losing it.  The thought crumbles your resolve, makes you weak.   You become desperate; begin grabbing for any handhold you can find until one breaks in your grip, causing you to go tumbling down to that hole that you started in.  That’s the genius of the hole: no matter how long you spend climbing out of it you can still fall down in an instant.  The key to avoiding this simple trap is three complicated things: tenacity, time, and the ability to walk away.

Resolve is one of the hardest things to have.  Most who claim to be steadfast will still cower when faced with adversity.  Resolve is a finicky thing; it’s like a deep thought.  It hangs on the brim of your consciousness, something you are aware of but cannot control.  A single innocent and inconspicuous thought can twist your resolve and destroy it.  You will lose your grounding, become obsessed with the thought.  It will twist your consciousness until you have lost yourself and logic—the poisonous thought is all that remains. 

True resolve is recognizing this change in your consciousness and having the ability to counteract it.  Prior knowledge is the easiest way to achieve this goal: you must first be able to recognize your state of mind before you can change it.  It is best to have something to ground yourself.  A token or trinket which holds a deep memory of something significant usually works best.  In the past I have used pictures, messages, videos, gifts, and objects of personal significance.  Tokens will weaken after each use, think of it as a bank of resolve—each time you use it, you drain some of its energy.  Don’t be afraid to make new ones, it’s worth it.  Once you have your token, you are ready to separate yourself.  And when you separate yourself, it is going to take a lot of time for your wounds to heal. 

Time is very mischievous.  Most refer to time as “the great healer” however time can also destroy.  Time takes the magnitude of all feelings and softens them.  Love, need, anger, hate, will all be reduced with time.  It does not affect one feeling more than another.  Therefore, time can be a useful tool or something to avoid.  You must be equipped to handle time before doing so.  For me, it took a long while before time became useful.  However, when it did, I grasped the opportunity and separated myself from my addiction for a month. 

Once you have freed yourself there is only one last thing that you have to do—walk away.  It’s difficult, the hardest thing that you can do, and you can fool yourself if your resolve isn’t strong enough.  I’ve had the good blessing of having multiple chances of walking away, three to be exact.  The first time, I thought that I had successfully walked away.  I Moved, left the state, found a whole new identity.  It wasn’t enough.  These were all external factors; I needed to change something internal.   The second time the opportunity presented itself I simply wasn’t ready.  I haggled, and in the end got what I wanted—a reason not to walk away.  I was too low on the ladder of recovery to understand what was happening and I was scared of loss.  The third time, it was obvious what had to be done—and I was in the place to properly do it.

The last month of my life has been much easier than those before it.  I look forward to what the future has in store for me, and can see hope’s light shining in from the depths of the hole I’m almost out of.  Viewing dawn for the first time is spectacular.  With it comes warmth, comfort, and the knowledge of safety.  It assists you, gives you the strength to redouble your efforts.  I have past the hardest of my current trials- and as long as I stay cautious, I will be out of this hole in no time at all.