Silent Victory

Mistakes burn you down to the core.  When I realize that I have made one, and truly care about it, I want to apologize more than I possibly can with words.  I want to forget it, fix it, or remove it.  But I can’t do any of those—it’s happened and the mistakes from my actions are creating fallout and havoc.  I feel like I’m spinning without control.

The sensation leaves a hole inside me, burning and aching like the worst heartburn.  

The best antacid though isn’t a good apology, hug, or sensual recourse.  It’s forgiving yourself despite everything that’s happened.  Big mistakes will cause damage, and there will be consequence.

It usually takes me a while to get to that point when I make a big mistake.  Usually the person who I have wronged forgives me before I, myself.  But when I do forgive myself, and I beat the wronged individual to it… well, sometimes that can hurt more than the mistake itself.

When you make a mistake the person who you have hurt will raise their barriers like sliding glass doors to the elements.  They will close themselves off from you and back away in order to protect themselves from further harm.  We’re all very reactionary and protective people and we’re willing to do everything we can to prevent ourselves from getting hurt more.

Sometimes when we close our doors, we make them so thick that they become walls.  We shut that person out and make it so that they can never get that close again.  It can even happen to the best of friends.

I’ve had friends in the past who have done that to me.  They’ve closed the door, and I kept trying to communicate through it until I turned and walked away.  They didn’t realize what they had done until they smacked their nose on the glass, trying to follow me.