Firefly

 

A guy like me, doesn’t get hit on a lot.  My life isn’t exactly full of gays and most women know enough about me to know not to bother.  But when that one odd moment happens, where a woman does express interest in me, I can’t help but feign interest.

It’s fun to be hit on, it is a form of social acceptance which we all crave.  But for me it is a very unique experience, and I just simply cannot help myself.  Conversations of the flirtatious are different than normal ones.  You can take the conversation past the natural limit and not be reprimanded for your pervasiveness.  Instead you’ll end up engaging your companion, making them believe that the feeling of romance is mutual, that the conversation is unlocking a hidden potential between the two of you.

When I converse like this, I’m usually just cheating whomever I ‘m chatting with.  I’m fine making them feel liked and engaged even though my personal emotional level is empty.  It makes good practice for me.  Lying is half the game of life, and even though my behavior is morally corrupt I cannot help myself.  It’s something I’m not exactly proud of. 

When I do get hit on by a legitimate suitor it’s much different.  In those conversations I don’t have the same control I do elsewhere.  I can feel my heart wanting to escape through my mouth, and it gets in the way of all the words behind it.  I don’t function properly even when it comes to suitors I am disinterested in.  The opportunity is so rare and unique that I am caught off guard and unaware. Curiosity is a powerful thing, it keeps the conversation going even when I’m completely over it.

Eventually I find myself locked, engaged in a conversation without the means of polite escape.  It makes me go further in the conversation than I had planned or intended.  Sometimes resulting in the most dire of consequences.  But when our chemistry does mix, when we both feel that unique and special bond that engages both of us.  The conversation itself drops away, and is replaced by a silence that is emotionally full and broad.

No starry night’s sky, sunset, mountainside, or ocean view can compare to the wealth of emotions that come.  A deep and lasting fulfillment begins to compose inside me like an infection, changing my goals and my alignments, my virtues and values.  The change is different though than the ones that I am accustomed to: forming in front of me like an insurmountable wave—growing larger and stronger from the beaches seepage.  Instead it approaches calmly, peacefully, with a serenity that is pure and promising.

Those are the moments that I live for.