Friendly Dependency

Only those who are close to you can truly hurt you; if you are emotionally walled off from someone there’s no way for them to get in and cause damage.  As you move close to someone emotionally you not only let down your personal barriers but you also increase the amount of time and energy you are willing to invest into the relationship. There are many ways to define and measure relationships.  I personally like to look at levels of dependency because it’s what I think is important in a friend.  There are three levels of dependency: independent, dependent, and interdependent.  

Being an independent in a relationship is easy: you can let your super-ego kick in and run the show.  An independent is a person who feels like they don’t need their partner in any way, and while they may care about their partner’s emotional or physical wellbeing they aren’t necessarily willing to go out of their way to do something about it.  Independents are common in deep acquaintances, early friendships, and distant family.  However, it’s not necessarily bound to these three types of relationships.  For instance, you can also find an independent on a bad side of a romance.

Dependents are confused.  If they knew they were being dependent they wouldn’t keep it up, nobody wants to be dependent.  Dependents usually care deeply about their partners but become so overwhelmed by their emotions that they need constant care and attention.  They require pampering, time, and a continuous line of communication.  A lot of people are dependents but don’t realize it.  They think that the quality time that they spend with their partner is mutual and don’t understand the amount of damage they do to their bond.  They are forcing their partner to move away from them, become independent, and replace barriers.  Dependents are frequently found in abusive relationships, at the beginning of a romance, and at times of great mental instability.

Friends from home

Interdependents are good friends; it’s the level I try to get to with all my friends.  Interdependence can exist only when the partner of a relationship is resonating it.   It requires a removal of all barriers of importance, and a mutual understanding on a very deep emotional level.  Interdependent partners are ready and willing to give, because they know that they will receive equal or better from their partner.  They’re willing to do things that they don't enjoy, make personal sacrifices, as well as smile in the face of adversity.  They are not glued to you, they’re not overwhelming, but they don’t disappear.  They have discovered the proper balance between independence and dependence.  They are friends for life.  Interdependents are close friends free from physical distance or a couple of a long and deep romance.

A lot of people think you need romantic involvement to become interdependent but that's not true.  In fact romantic involvement leads to dependence easily as people tend to obsess over their relationship.  Friends can move between the boundaries of dependency as they are not set in stone.  Transitions can come as easily as with mood.  Recently, I have had a more dependent need with a lot of my close friends.  Yet, as times have changed, some of my old relationships have recovered, and I think we would both agree that we’re moving towards interdependence.

To those friends who feel like I have become too dependent or too independent over the past few years I dedicate this article to you.  To my friends at home, I value our friendship dearly, and I look forward to having an opportunity to move closer once again.  And to those at school, I thank you for supporting me through my troubled times and hope that things are getting better.

Friends from school

Have a Merry Christmas everyone, cherish the family and friends around you- let them know how much you care.

Editorial II: Out of Alpha

So we’re a couple of weeks in now and the site is starting to get a normal swing to it.  Expect updates twice a week tied into the page’s theme!  Also check out the new pages located across the top: learn a little bit more about me or about my ideas.

As we enter the site’s beta stage, be sure to Follow Us, join the Facebook Page, and check in with One True Fan!  Followers and comments are the lifeblood of any website!  Don’t be afraid to share this blog with some of your friends!

Looking forward to hearing from you soon!  Hope you’re enjoying everything and be sure to drop a line below if you have any comments or inquires!

-Kyle

That new Road

The biggest problem of the addiction is the fear of losing it.  The thought crumbles your resolve, makes you weak.   You become desperate; begin grabbing for any handhold you can find until one breaks in your grip, causing you to go tumbling down to that hole that you started in.  That’s the genius of the hole: no matter how long you spend climbing out of it you can still fall down in an instant.  The key to avoiding this simple trap is three complicated things: tenacity, time, and the ability to walk away.

Resolve is one of the hardest things to have.  Most who claim to be steadfast will still cower when faced with adversity.  Resolve is a finicky thing; it’s like a deep thought.  It hangs on the brim of your consciousness, something you are aware of but cannot control.  A single innocent and inconspicuous thought can twist your resolve and destroy it.  You will lose your grounding, become obsessed with the thought.  It will twist your consciousness until you have lost yourself and logic—the poisonous thought is all that remains. 

True resolve is recognizing this change in your consciousness and having the ability to counteract it.  Prior knowledge is the easiest way to achieve this goal: you must first be able to recognize your state of mind before you can change it.  It is best to have something to ground yourself.  A token or trinket which holds a deep memory of something significant usually works best.  In the past I have used pictures, messages, videos, gifts, and objects of personal significance.  Tokens will weaken after each use, think of it as a bank of resolve—each time you use it, you drain some of its energy.  Don’t be afraid to make new ones, it’s worth it.  Once you have your token, you are ready to separate yourself.  And when you separate yourself, it is going to take a lot of time for your wounds to heal. 

Time is very mischievous.  Most refer to time as “the great healer” however time can also destroy.  Time takes the magnitude of all feelings and softens them.  Love, need, anger, hate, will all be reduced with time.  It does not affect one feeling more than another.  Therefore, time can be a useful tool or something to avoid.  You must be equipped to handle time before doing so.  For me, it took a long while before time became useful.  However, when it did, I grasped the opportunity and separated myself from my addiction for a month. 

Once you have freed yourself there is only one last thing that you have to do—walk away.  It’s difficult, the hardest thing that you can do, and you can fool yourself if your resolve isn’t strong enough.  I’ve had the good blessing of having multiple chances of walking away, three to be exact.  The first time, I thought that I had successfully walked away.  I Moved, left the state, found a whole new identity.  It wasn’t enough.  These were all external factors; I needed to change something internal.   The second time the opportunity presented itself I simply wasn’t ready.  I haggled, and in the end got what I wanted—a reason not to walk away.  I was too low on the ladder of recovery to understand what was happening and I was scared of loss.  The third time, it was obvious what had to be done—and I was in the place to properly do it.

The last month of my life has been much easier than those before it.  I look forward to what the future has in store for me, and can see hope’s light shining in from the depths of the hole I’m almost out of.  Viewing dawn for the first time is spectacular.  With it comes warmth, comfort, and the knowledge of safety.  It assists you, gives you the strength to redouble your efforts.  I have past the hardest of my current trials- and as long as I stay cautious, I will be out of this hole in no time at all.  

Throw the Rules out the Window, Odds are You'll Go that Way Too

In a consumerist society everybody wants their own thing.  Nobody wants to take the bus—they want their own car, TV, and cell phone.  The issue isn’t just status, its control.  You want control over your life and to be independent of the system and friends.  Not only out of a sense of pride but because of ease and flexibility as well.  Everybody enjoys control right?

There are those among us who take the opposite route; who would rather be dependent than independent.  They avoid issues such as stature and wealth caring solely about gratification.  The dependent will do anything they can to shirk the responsibilities thrown at them.  Most of these people have a means of escape which usually develops into an addiction because of the freedom it provides.  It can be anything from a friend or videogames to drugs and alcohol.  Either way that user will develop a destructive relationship with his addiction and slowly fall down a hillside of despair birthed from negligence.

Out of this class of people we can develop two more: those who are hypocritical, and those who are consumed.

The consumed are the worst off.  They live a life of self-loathing and deep remorse.  Something hurt them, and they are running.  The drug, the addiction, the problem itself, is an effect not a cause.  And this can create some confusion for those who care.  They see the consumed feeding on their unholy ambrosia and want to do whatever they can to free them from this problem—but friends can’t usually see the ghosts that compel the consumed to indulge.  The consumed can see the effect they are having on others and isolate themself, in order to protect those they care about and their unique lifestyle.  The consumed are vampiric entities with the goal of achieving complete freedom through temporary means.   Jim Morrison was one of these.

The hypocritical live an equally difficult life.  But the difficulty is more internalized.  The hypocritical enjoy control as much as they hate it.  They are obsessed with the aspect of losing control and will do whatever they can to create such a situation—in a controllable environment.  That’s why they need their drug; it acts as a catalyst but doesn’t take place in the reaction itself.  And when the hypocritical are on it they experience a freedom that holds them closer than a lover on a midwinter’s morning.

Hypocrites can experience freedom from their troubles and thoughts.  And feel this freedom so deeply that all other sensations and experiences are numbed in comparison.  Unlike the consumed, these people can see how big their addiction is, and want to stop it.  The only problem is those ghosts.   They keep calling, the sirens’ song in your ear.  At first it’s only a whisper, but eventually it can overtake you.  No longer are you in control—the devil is at the wheel and logic is in the trunk.

That is what makes the hypocritical more dangerous than the feared.  The hypocritical don’t isolate themselves, they walk the streets, blend in, only feeding when necessary.  They recognize the malignant effects of their deeds, but perform them anyway out of need and self-preservation.  As a result they are volatile creatures who are subject to mood swings and erratic behavior.  They create relationships as often as they destroy them, and will do anything to achieve their goals.

So how do you free yourself of this unethical lifestyle—consumed or hypocritical?  You seek help.  You recognize your ambrosia and rather than trying to solve the problem on your own, you open yourself up and let everyone pick at you like a frog in biology class.  You’re right to fear the dissection of your soul and the scrutiny from outsiders looking in.  It’s okay to fear change—especially when what you have works.  But is it really healthy?  Do you really want to continue down the road that you’re on?

You’ll be surprised how sensible trained professionals can be.  And you’ll be surprised by how much you can achieve once you’re set free.  It’s a slow painful process that can take years.  But the benefits far outweigh all the pain you accumulate during your sabbatical.   You won’t lose your identity through the process either.  You will remain you.

It’s doable, I did it.

Engineers Like Rulers

I’ve recently discovered a metric for evaluating people and their motives.  It’s a very generalized one, but it works pretty well.  People have a three dimensional drive system: past, present, and future.   From this you can set up a standard 3D coordinate system and, if you give everyone a vector with the same magnitude, you have a system for expressing people.

I need Photoshop so I can make these clearly

I’ll demonstrate it by going about an exercise of placing yourself.  Many people consider themselves to be “future” oriented or “present” oriented in their mindsets.  But not many people consider the past when it comes to their personality.  So let’s just start with a 2D analysis.  Do you live in the moment, or do you have a focus on the future?  If you had ten points, how would you quantify yourself?  For instance I would place seven points into future focus and three points into present.  Make sure you pause for a moment and really think about this if you’re taking this exercise seriously.

Now that we know that, let’s define another field.  How much does the past define you?  Or how badly do you want to change yourself?  A lot of people have regrets that shape the way they behave, everyone is influenced significantly by their past.  The question is how much you let that influence govern you.   Again, do this on a scale of 1-10.  So now that we’ve got that value let’s correct our other two.

(10-PAST) X FUTURE / 10 = TRUE FUTURE

(10-PAST) X PRESENT / 10 = TRUE PRESENT

Where TRUE FUTURE + PAST + TRUE PRESENT = 10

And there you go.  Now you just graph those values in 3D and you have your personal metric. Of course, it’s a lot harder to do others, but I still think this is a noteworthy way to measure people.  It’s also worth noting that the flaw here is self-awareness.  The more self-aware you are, the more accurate this will be: you cannot evaluate actions and emotions that you are not conscious of.  

Beep Beep Beep, Ring Ring, Pop

I am a tech junkie.  I geek out when it comes to cell phones, play videogames, am obsessed with the latest and greatest and know the difference between LCD, AOLED, plasma, and LED.  I spend time blogging on my laptop, own an android smartphone, and use Google for just about everything under the sun.  I get jokes about Skynet and Hal, and frequent Geekologie and XKCD.  Yet I hate technology more than anything.  It has shackled me more than any job, girlfriend, or government ever could.  Technology has completely taken away my freedom, and I want it back.

The easiest way to point this out is by analyzing communication.  I am reachable by email, cellphone, text, instant message, and Facebook at any point during the day.  I am almost never without a device that can receive and reply instantaneously to any of those.  I can pump out a full text message in less than 30 seconds, and receive email and Facebook notifications on my phone.  I am, by all definitions, connected.  If I had to remove myself from my community I, and those who I network with, would go crazy within hours.  How often are you upset if you contact someone and they don’t reply to you in half an hour?  I know I am often a culprit of becoming disgruntled even after 5 minutes- patience is something I undoubtedly lack.

The telephone is now over a hundred years old.  Before then communication was strictly by word of mouth or snail mail.  People used to only write stuff down when it was too difficult to reach someone else to tell them by word of mouth.  Now, we write more than we actually talk.  We hold arguments over email and text messaging, even when the person we’re arguing with is less than a block or a day away.  Communication has lost all personal touches over time.

I find it interesting how formal invitations are usually done through snail mail.  We used to only hand write these, but now, due to the ever increasing size of our social networks, events are bigger and we usually order messages for mail.  I think this tradition is a mistake, or at lease has lost its meaning with time.  It is a tradition that was meant to garner respect.  When the custom first started it was expensive to write a letter and mail it, which made the event classy.  It was also a very personal message, since you know the letter was hand written for you.  Now, it’s awkward, cheap, and slow.  When you get an invitation in the mail many people look at how nice the card is before even looking at the event. 

We can do better.   We owe it to ourselves and our friends.  If you care so much about a person shouldn’t he or she be worth time to talk to face to face?  Are you really so pressed for time that a text message where you abbreviate half the words is the best that you can do?    I don’t want to live in a society where I never see my friends.   I want the instant communication- I crave it more just as much as anyone else, but I would trade thirty minutes of face time to a thousand text messages any day.

Cause & Effect

Every person has their own fallacies.  One of the biggest problems with personal development is that a person can never be told what their problem is and how to solve it if they are expected to grow.  It’s human nature to learn things the hard way, and no matter how much you want to help those closest to you, sometimes there’s nothing you can do.

People are blind to their own problems to a much greater extent than many realize.   Many people feel as if it’s easier to see things outside of the box- which is true.  But it’s also true that many people who think they know their problems only know an effect of a deeper dilemma.  If that person knew what his issue was, he would fix it.  Sure, you’re thinking of your own problems right now and telling yourself that you know what they are- you just don’t know how to fix them.  But the truth of the matter is that your “problem” isn’t actually the problem itself, it is your response to an underlying cause- or your coping mechanism.  This whole instinctual system is an obstacle to problem solving itself, and one of societies major predicaments.  You can only see the end of the river, if you knew where it started; you would dam that source in an instant.

I have some friends who would benefit from this knowledge.  Not enough of my friends here at college are very self-aware.  Many of them have devastating tendencies that handicap their life daily.  Being at an engineering school, the general issue is entrenchment.  Engineers like routine, they hate anything that gets in the way of it and will remove obstacles in any way possible.   Everything is dissolved down to efficiency, and with efficiency comes the destruction of tradition and those special superfluous additions to life that make every day feel special.  That’s how I stand apart from many of my peers- I embrace tradition and care more about details than the message itself.

With this epiphany came damage to my social structure: some friends are no longer as close to me as they once were.  At first, even just the idea of this was enough to be emotionally devastating.  As time wears on, I have adjusted to the situation, found new friends to grow close to, and have realized who my true friends are.  I have reached a social stability that has allowed me to continue on despite everything that is happening.  My metrics have changed, and I no longer worry about what I used to.  Each day brings it's own epiphanies and life has renewed meaning.

Next time when you find yourself lost, look at your problem, and ask yourself “why?”.  If you can answer that question ask it again, and keep asking it until it doesn’t make any sense to ask it any  more. Chances are, you’ll get stuck somewhere along the way and think that it doesn’t make sense to continue.  But really you’re only a couple of layers into that onion and you’re going to have to dig much deeper to reach the core.  Realizing this is the first step on a long journey of self-actualization.